Ohhhh Frank McCourt

I try to read a lot. A lot of different things. I can do this because I drive 45 minutes to work every day (and then home), so I get books on tape (really CD) and listen as I make the mind-numbingly boring drive. This week I'm listening to Teacher Man by Frank McCourt. I highly recommend listening to his books instead of reading them because he is the narrator and you get his voice...accent, singing, etc. It's quite an experience.

Anyway, today's excerpt was about how self-denigrating he is. Is this a common problem amongst us teachers? I feel like I understand exactly what he's saying when he describes second-guessing every action he takes. "Oh no, Susie has her cell phone out. Should I say something to her? If I say something to her, she might get mad at me and the whole class will turn against me. What if she refuses? Then what will I do? What if I don't say anything and the other students see that she's using her cell phone and then I've lost all authority." Oh man, that's my plagiarized version of an experience he talks about. I'm obviously not alone...because he has/had the same problem...but I wonder if other teachers have the same thoughts? Does it ever end? Will there come a point, maybe ten years down the road, when I have enough confidence to walk into MY classroom and let the kids know that, like it or not, they're going to play my game or there's the door. That sounds really harsh, but I'm coming to discover that it doesn't have to be...right? I want every person in my class to enjoy coming to class. But right now, I have a student who is poisoning the experiences for the rest of the class. Instead of enjoying a story, they are waiting for me to do or say something "unfair" so they can pounce on it and mumble stuff under their breath about how horrible I am. In my mind, I'm being "unfair" because I'm handling the needs of all the students at that particular point in time. If I have a student who didn't sleep last night because she was physically fighting with her dad and got thrown out of class...I'm not going to nitpick on her for whispering to her neighbor. Sorry, but I'm just not heartless enough to do that. But, the student who constantly and LOUDLY berates me in front of the class? Hmmm...I might just be a little harsher on that student. (although usually I'm not because I try to outlast the behavior...classic error)

I guess what I'm rambling about is my insecurities in the classroom and how badly I want them to go away. I'm hoping that they will magically disapper in time.